Occasional Depression Strikes Again

-Trying to please everyone is like loving someone who didn't ask you to love them, yet, you still did and even ended up giving too much. Bigay ka ng bigay, tanggap sila ng tanggap pero sa huli, hindi pa rin sila satisfied at ikaw naman, sinisisi mo ang sarili mo kung bakit hindi sila nakuntento sa binigay mo. Pero kapag nag-isip ka, malalaman mong wala ka namang kasalanan dahil kahit ano pa ang gawin mo, sa umpisa pa lang, may ekis na ang pangalan mo sa listahan nila.

*sigh*
I hate this part of me. I have the tendency to please everyone around me. I don't have the guts to stand up to anyone and I always end up playing Miss Goody-Two Shoes - always the nice girl. I'm not doing it for other people, though. I realized I'm doing it for myself and I realized I'm being a selfish bitch.

Bakit nga ba nagsisikap ang isang tao para i-please ang iba? Isa lang ang sagot na pumasok sa isip ko - I want them to acknowledge me. And that was when I realized I'm insecure. At sa insecurity na iyon, bumababa ang kumpiyansa ko sa sarili ko. Yes, it was an ugly part of me that I wanted to change badly.

I'm just an average girl. I really don't stand out. No'ng elementary nga ako, madalas ay nakakalimutan akong ilista kapag may activities. Para lang akong shadow. Basta, average lang talaga ako. Dinadaan ko lahat sa hardwork para makabawi. Average girl, average face, average family.

Pinalaki naman ako na hindi ako pine-pressure ni Mama to be on the top. Hindi ko alam kung nakabuti iyon o nakasama. Nakabuti kasi hindi ako naging trying hard sa school. Nakasama lang siguro kasi hindi ko alam kung magaling na ba ko o wala pa ring kuwenta ang mga ginagawa ko dahil wala naman akong "standard" na pagbabatayan. Hindi ako binubusog sa compliment ng Mama ko. In fact, straight to my face niyang sinabing hindi niya nagustuhan ang mga novels ko (Ung kay Caleb, at Prima lang daw ang maganda). Which was fine to me.

Pero dahil do'n, parang may maliit na apoy sa puso ko na nag-ignite to please my mother. Siyempre, naiinggit din naman ako kapag pinupuri niya `yong gawa ng ibang writer. But then again, hands down naman ako sa mga writers na `yon kaya umpisa pa lang, wala ng dapat ikainggit.

I really don't care much about what's happening around me. But like Prima Weignmann (Love, Headbutts, And Everything Nice) I want those people whom I like to like me as well. Gano'n kasi ako. Kapag na-attached ako sa isang tao, ayoko silang ma-disappoint. I don't want them to hate me nor to leave me. No matter how much I act indifferent, I'm still afraid to be abandoned. Again.

So, sa takot kong ayawan ako ng mga taong gusto ko, I always end up trying my best to please them. But it hurts. Kasi nga, wala akong kumpiyansa sa sarili ko. Minsan kasi, lutang ako. At sobrang natatakot din akong makagawa ng bagay na makakasakit sa kanila.
 
Hmm. Parang ang gulo ng post na `to.

-The Elyen Girl

I'm Happy! ^^

-Yes, the title is so laaaame. But that's how I really feel at the moment. Cloud nine, dude. Cloud nine.

I wanted to scream in joy, I wanted to let everyone know why I'm happy. But the overwhelming feeling inside my chest renders me speechless. Er, not really speechless. I feel so calm all I wanted to do is to smile, smile and smile. The world suddenly shines brighter. Once again, I'm thankful to Him.

My newly approved manuscript was the closest novel in my heart yet. No, that wasn't my love story. I must have fallen in love with the characters, and in the story itself. The plot had been running inside my head for months before I finally had the chance to gather my thoughts and write it weeks ago.

While I was writing the story, I was imagining myself as an old weaver carefully knitting a beautiful and expensive silk. I did it with so much love and care. I don't know why I love that story. I just do.

Maybe because I think the scenes and the plot itself was way too impossible to happen in real life. Maybe because my hero was way too ideal to exist in the real world. Maybe because I really have a soft spot for underdogs and second best characters.

Ah. It didn't really matter. I just felt so thankful the story was approved.

Ganito pala ang feeling kapag nasulat mo ang istoryang minahal mo ng husto. Nakakataba ng puso. Ang saya. Ito `yong feeling na gusto kong maramdaman kaya ako nagsusulat. Na pagkatapos ng lahat ng luhang iiiyak mo sa isang nobela, maiisip mong hindi mapapantayan niyon ang kaligayahan at kapanatagang maibibigay ng isang magandang istoryang pinaghirapan mong isulat.

Ahehe. Bakit ba? Para sa'kin maganda `yon, eh. Haha! Pero kung hindi niyo magustuhan, ahm, okay lang. :)

-Luna King

I'M CURSED!!!

-Gah! I'm so lazy, so sleepy I can't help but think I'm under some spell - a spell that turned me into a sloth!

Waaaah! What the heck is happening to me? Tulog ako maghapon, but when it's time to write, inaantok na naman ako! Katulad ngayon. Mula 5-11:30 PM, tulog ako, at dapat nagsusulat na ko. But dang, I'm sleepy again! Ah, I must have drunk a love potion - I fell in love with my bed!

Nooooo! I still have 4 books to finish, I need to revise three more manuscripts and I need to finish this goddamn novel I'm working on. Damn you, laziness! Damn you, sleepiness! Go away and leave me alone! Give back the old me who can finish a manuscript every weeeeeek! I need that fucking drive to write!

I don't need a fucking prince to free from this curse. What I need is kasipagan! See? I'm too lazy to think what's 'kasipagan' is in English.

I want to sleep. No, I'm sleeping. Good night!

-Lazy Me

I'm Inactive Because...

Depress ako. Er, more like I’m disappointed sa sarili ko.

     Storm’s story was released. I’m not really expecting for positive feedback. Okay, I am but I’m not expecting too much. I know his story was simple compared to Saturn’s. I also feel like I didn’t justify his character nor did I live up with the readers’ expectation.

     So I’m really, really, really thankful to those who still liked his story. And for those who were disappointed, I guess that’s okay. Halika at samahan niyo ko sa pagda-down kay Storm. `Kidding! But no matter what you say, I still love him. Aminado naman ako na mas nag-focus ako sa friendship nilang apat kaysa sa romance. Nasasaktan at nalulungkot ako dahila alam kong may mga hindi gaanong ma-a-appreciate sa istorya niya.

     Hindi talaga dapat minamadali ang pagsulat sa isang nobela, I learned my lesson the hard way.

     Even so, kahit gusto kong laitin ng laitin ang istorya niya, hindi ko magawa because I cry blood each time I write a novel. And he’s still my baby so I still love him.

     When I was just a reader before, ang dali kong manlait. Kapag may hindi ako nagustuhang pocketbook, ang dali lang sabihin ng mga salitang “pangit”, “walang kuwenta”, “boring.” Pero ngayon, hindi ko maatim na sabihan ng gano’n ang gawa ng mga kapwa ko writer. Saka hindi naman ako kagalingan kaya bakit ako manlalait? Naisip ko kasi, kapag sa’kin nila sinabi sa’kin `yon, ouch talaga. Kaya iyong ayaw kong maramdaman ng kapwa ko, ayoko ring iparamdam sa sarili ko kaya kahit siguro makatanggap ako ng negative comment kay Storm, hindi ko pa rin lalaitin ang story niya. Kasi gawa ko `yon. Kasi pinaghirapan ko `yon.

     Hindi naman ako kagalingan na writer, alam ko `yon. Pero pipilitin kong maging mahusay pa hindi lang para sa sarili ko kundi maging sa readers. Higit kanino man, sila iyong ayaw kong ma-disappoint.

     Positive thinking lang. Maganda ang story ni Stooooooorm!

-Luna King

Unexpected, Unsure, Unprepared

No, I'm not pregnant.

Er, these past two months, I'm out of "sync". I lost my drive in writing, my mind stopped producing "fresh" ideas. And the result? Two major revisions. Dang, I still don't have the drive to revise. Anyway, I'm lucky one of my manuscripts was approved.

During my "lost state" as a writer, I've done something really, really, crazy. Up until now, I can't believe I had the guts to shamelessly promote my own pen name and to (again) shamelessly talk to the editors about it.

I wanted it. Badly. It has always been my goal.

Yet, I've been pessimistic about it since I'm in a "hibernate mode". There was even a time when I thought of giving up on it when it haven't even started. I felt like it was just a "spur-of-the-moment thing." Something created out of my mood swing.

But - lo and behold - I've unexpectedly reached the first step towards my goal. Unexpectedly. Unsure. Unprepared. I felt like a soldier thrown in a war without weapons. Up until now, my mind is on a spin, and I'm still waiting for the fucking "drive" to come back. It's CRAWLING back to me, very SLOWLY. And it won't do. I have lots of unfinished MS, revisions and of course, Riley's story.

*hingang malalim* Alam kong simula pa lang ito. Napakalayo ko pa sa goal ko. Alam ko ring marami pa kong iiiyak, itatawa, iiiyak, matutunan at iiiyak. Alam ko `yon, pero hindi ko alam kung handa na ba ko. Kakayanin ko. Pero alam kong ilang balde ng luha ang magiging kapalit ng pagiging ambisosya ko. But I will still take on the challenge. Ginusto ko `to kaya magdusa ako. Sa huli naman, alam kong magiging sulit ang lahat ng iyak ko. Dasal ang sandata ko ngayon.

-Luna King