Sunday, January 27, 2013

Damned Moments 2

Posted by 23caris at 6:17 PM
My rage hasn't been cooled down yet. I still feel so mad, so regretful it starting to get painful. I wanted to cry. I needed to remind myself that it was just a small thing. But the fact that it happened again to me is painful. I feel like I'm still the same, stupid girl from two years ago. And I hated myself that time.

I wanted to act cool, to handle things indifferently. I wanted to show the world nothing could affect me anymore. I thought I was stronger, I though I could act nonchalant now. But I care. I still do. I still get so frustrated when things get out of hand. I still feel hurt when I shouldn't care for those people. I said I don't mind, I said they don't matter. But they do, and I feel betrayed, sad and hurt. And I'm talking about two separate issues now.

Maybe I'm overwhelmed that's why I'm feeling this way. They piled up until my patience could no longer keep them together.

I told myself I won't care as much as I cared before. I'm trying my best not to get attached to them (new faces in my new world) because I hate the feeling of depending on people I know who don't and can't care as much as I care for them. And when your feelings don't get reciprocate, when you don't get as much as you give, it's painful. I said it's fine if I love or care more, but deep down my heart, I know it's not true. I expect equal amount of care and love. Argh, I don't know what I'm talking about anymore!

I hate this feeling of vulnerability. I hate myself. I hate everything at the moment.

-Damned Me 2

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