Saturday, June 22, 2013

Buti Naligo Ako Kahit Malamig

Posted by 23caris at 3:31 AM
It’s really hard when you start hating the thing you loved most. This past month, I didn’t know what happened to me but I was so down, so depressed and yes, I also started to hate writing novels. It probably started during the last week of May. I feel like my spirit is broken for some reason. It’s as if my dream just shattered right before my eyes and all I did was look at it. I know something is eating me slowly inside. Something strong, something dark. I don’t have enough strength to fight it, so I ran away. MS Word, creating character profiles, organizing plot, daydreaming about romantic scenes, thinking of cheesy lines... I just started to hate all of them. I turned my back on them, and shifted all my attention to the real me. I embraced my student life so dearly. I enjoyed going school to the fullest --- even attending my afternoon class even though I knew classes would be suspended. Why? Because I wanted an excuse so I wouldn’t have to face my manuscript. I’m running away, making myself believe I don’t like writing novels anymore, that I hate it now. So when I lose it, I could comfort myself by saying “it’s okay, you don’t love it anymore.” But it hurts. Everytime I see how happy my co-writers are with their approved MS, upcoming books, and all other things I used to feel then, my heart aches. Irritating, right? I know it’s too early to feel this way. I haven’t even proven anything to other people as a writer. And yet, here I am, moping over something I can’t even explain. Shit happens. I don’t really know what exactly happened to me. I just found myself hating everything related to my “alter-ego.” But then again... something changed while I was taking a bath this afternoon. I don’t what made me do it suddenly, but I was pulling myself together, finally, after a month of making myself miserable. It was as if I regained my spirit back somehow by staring at the water. LOL. I found myself talking to myself. Something was ignited inside me, and I don’t even know what the heck triggered the positivism I somehow lost this past month. And then, there’s my editor. She said something that strengthened my resolve. I’ll get up. Stronger. Fiercer. And yeah, sexier. Joke. -LK


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