Sunday, January 27, 2013

Damned Moments 3

Posted by 23caris at 6:29 PM 0 comments
I can't calm down. Damn. I know my whole day will be ruined now. Maybe I'll fail in our midterm exam? Or maybe I'll get called in recitation but since I haven't touched my notes since last week, I'll be humiliated. I'm not expecting for anything good now.

It's very irritating, what a great way to start the week.

I never been this infuriated since I don't know how long. Maybe I've been too carefree I forgot that to be cool, things must run smoothly. I'm reflecting now.

AND OH, MAMA. PLEASE STOP REMINDING ME ABOUT MY STUPID MISTAKE. SERIOUSLY, IT'S NOT HELPING AT ALL!

Gah! How can I calm down when people won't stop talking about my mistake? Move on, people! I'm trying to keep my sanity contact here! It's not easy. I guess this anger is enough to last me... a whole sem of stressful activities!


ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

-Damned Me 3

Damned Moments 2

Posted by 23caris at 6:17 PM 0 comments
My rage hasn't been cooled down yet. I still feel so mad, so regretful it starting to get painful. I wanted to cry. I needed to remind myself that it was just a small thing. But the fact that it happened again to me is painful. I feel like I'm still the same, stupid girl from two years ago. And I hated myself that time.

I wanted to act cool, to handle things indifferently. I wanted to show the world nothing could affect me anymore. I thought I was stronger, I though I could act nonchalant now. But I care. I still do. I still get so frustrated when things get out of hand. I still feel hurt when I shouldn't care for those people. I said I don't mind, I said they don't matter. But they do, and I feel betrayed, sad and hurt. And I'm talking about two separate issues now.

Maybe I'm overwhelmed that's why I'm feeling this way. They piled up until my patience could no longer keep them together.

I told myself I won't care as much as I cared before. I'm trying my best not to get attached to them (new faces in my new world) because I hate the feeling of depending on people I know who don't and can't care as much as I care for them. And when your feelings don't get reciprocate, when you don't get as much as you give, it's painful. I said it's fine if I love or care more, but deep down my heart, I know it's not true. I expect equal amount of care and love. Argh, I don't know what I'm talking about anymore!

I hate this feeling of vulnerability. I hate myself. I hate everything at the moment.

-Damned Me 2

Damned Moments

Posted by 23caris at 5:46 PM 0 comments
This is probably one of those damned moments when you did something so stupid you want to blame other people but the annoying thing is, you can blame no one but your stupid self. I'm so frustrated I want to scream, to be mad all day. I don't give a damn about anything at the moment. Friends, midterms, classes, the hell with them! I just want to be left one and be eaten by this nagging feeling I know I brought upon myself. I hate this. I really hate regretting something that I should have done, but because I didn't try hard enough, here I am. Dwelling in this fucking feeling of being just... just... plain stupid.

I know I'm going to regret writing this post later. I just hope my mood gets better. Or else... ah, fuck. I want this day to end. I just hope I don't mess up and verge my frustrations towards other people, much more my friends.

-Damn Me
 

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