Today, I shall start writing these stories that are completely different from my previous published books. I will be really, really careful in crafting them. The plots are actually cliche, but I will do my best to add more twist to the stories, to make the characters loveable and to make the readers cry.
Three simple stories, carefully crafted and carefully written.
I must do this.
So God, help me.
Procrastinate --- isang salitang hirap na hirap ako bigkasin, pero paborito ko namang gawin.
For our major subjects (News and Sports Writing) we were assigned to read one news article and one sports news per day, and make a summary out of them. So, we are required to read broadsheets everyday. But since tamad ako, ginagawa kong marathon ang pagsusulat ng news and sports article every SUNDAY NIGHT, and I am supposed to pass those articles the next day. But... I enjoy it. I enjoy looking for news on the net, scanning them, and analyzing them. Like I said in my post before, sa tuwing ginagawa ko `yon, masyado akong na-a-absorb.
Tama na nga. Mahirap i-justify ang pagiging tamad. Haha.
Pulling yourself together, telling yourself "get up, get up!" countless times, picking up the pieces of your broken spirit one by one... you know you can do it. But it's scary because you're alone. Because you know no one else but yourself could help you. Because you know that even if you give up, no one would be there to pull you up.
It's a battle between you and yourself.
It's tiring. It's sad. It's lonely. But you have to get through this somehow. You must. You can't be miserable for the rest of your life. You can't give them the satisfaction of showing them you're hurt.
This is just a moment of vulnerability. It will pass. It will.
You can cry tonight. Everything will be okay tomorrow.
Cry. Cry. Cry.
-Scared Little Moon Princess-
It’s really hard when you start hating the thing you loved most. This past month, I didn’t know what happened to me but I was so down, so depressed and yes, I also started to hate writing novels. It probably started during the last week of May.
I feel like my spirit is broken for some reason. It’s as if my dream just shattered right before my eyes and all I did was look at it. I know something is eating me slowly inside. Something strong, something dark. I don’t have enough strength to fight it, so I ran away.
MS Word, creating character profiles, organizing plot, daydreaming about romantic scenes, thinking of cheesy lines... I just started to hate all of them. I turned my back on them, and shifted all my attention to the real me. I embraced my student life so dearly. I enjoyed going school to the fullest --- even attending my afternoon class even though I knew classes would be suspended. Why? Because I wanted an excuse so I wouldn’t have to face my manuscript.
I’m running away, making myself believe I don’t like writing novels anymore, that I hate it now. So when I lose it, I could comfort myself by saying “it’s okay, you don’t love it anymore.”
But it hurts. Everytime I see how happy my co-writers are with their approved MS, upcoming books, and all other things I used to feel then, my heart aches. Irritating, right? I know it’s too early to feel this way. I haven’t even proven anything to other people as a writer. And yet, here I am, moping over something I can’t even explain.
Shit happens. I don’t really know what exactly happened to me. I just found myself hating everything related to my “alter-ego.”
But then again... something changed while I was taking a bath this afternoon.
I don’t what made me do it suddenly, but I was pulling myself together, finally, after a month of making myself miserable.
It was as if I regained my spirit back somehow by staring at the water. LOL. I found myself talking to myself. Something was ignited inside me, and I don’t even know what the heck triggered the positivism I somehow lost this past month.
And then, there’s my editor. She said something that strengthened my resolve.
I’ll get up. Stronger. Fiercer. And yeah, sexier.
As Luna King, nag-hibernate ako ng sobrang tagal. Inatake ako ng pagka-insecure. Some people may get irritated, may some judge me as a person that gives up easily. But it happens. At one point in our life, darating naman talaga ang moment na magiging sobrang down ka kahit wala namang ginagawang masama sa'yo ang ibang tao. It's an inner battle. You versus yourself. Kung hindi mo pa `to naranasan, maswerte ka.
Paano mo ibabangon ang sarili mo kung mismong ikaw eh ang baba ng tingin mo sa sarili mo? Ilang beses ko nang narinig `yan. People, that's exactly my dilemma. Comforting words coming from my friends are appreciated. Pero hindi ang mga salita nila ang magbabangon sa'yo. Trabaho mo `yon. I'm experiencing that battle right now. I feel like I'm faced with my dark self. And she's stronger. Nauubos ang lakas ko. I'm fighting her, but this will take a little longer. Alam kong unti-unti, nakakabawi na ko. Pero hindi pa rin siya tumba, kaya hindi pa tapos ang laban.
Nagagalit ako sa sarili ko dahil naghahanap ako ng masisising ibang tao for the misery I am in at the moment. It's a nagging feeling, it's pulling me down, eating me whole.
Yesterday I started to use my Wattpad account again and I wrote a story. It's romance, yes, but it's tragedy, so I'm not violating my contract with PHR... er, right? Hehe. Anyway, kaya sinulat ko `yon ay dahil gusto kong ipaalala sa sarili ko kung bakit ako nagsulat noon. Before, wala akong pakialam sa pera na kikitain ko sa pagsusulat. I just wanted to write a story. Pero tumagal, aaminin ko, naging mukhang pera praktikal na ko. So I think, do'n nagsimula ang paghina ng apoy ng passion ko. Well, a writer needs money to survive. Pero maliit na kabayaran lang `yon kumpara sa saya na nararamdaman natin kapag nakakatapos tayo ng istorya.
At ang saya na `yon ang kulang sa mga nakaraang sinulat ko.
Pressure na ang naramdaman ko nung nakaraan. Pressure kasi dumadami na kaming mga new writers. Siyempre, kailangan galingan ko para hindi ako mawala sa listahan ng mga readers. Pressure kasi sa tuwing pinupuri ng editor ko ang isang na-approved kong nobela, alam kong tumataas din ang expectation niya sa sequel niyon.Pressure kasi nag-aasam ako ng mas matured na story, mas komplikadong conflict at mas malalim na kuwento. Hindi pa yata abot ng utak at karanasan ko dahil gaya ng sinabi ng mga nag-review sa libro ko, masyadong childish ang mga characters, na nagre-reflect sa pagkatao ko. Childish, wala pang alam sa hirap ng totoong buhay. But that's not true. Marami na kong napagdaang problema sa pamilya, lalo na at panganay ako. Araw-araw ko na iyong hinaharap sa buhay ko KAYA AKONG PAHIRAPAN MASYADO ANG MGA HEROINE KO. I WRITE TO ESCAPE REALITY. Gusto ko magaang ang buhay nila. Unlike mine. Pressure dahil gusto kong ipakita na kaya ko pang mag-improve.
Dahil sa mga iyon, nakalimutan ko kung bakit ako nagsusulat. I've become someone I am not and I started to hate what I used to love doing. Writing gave me too much stress because of this pressures. So I ended up hating it. Which was so wrong.
Kaya nagsulat ako. I felt free. Hindi ako kinakabahan na baka hindi pumasa sa panlasa ng editor. Hindi ko inisip kung malalim ba ang conflict. Wala rin akong pakialam kung masyadong corny at cliche ang mga eksena at mga linya. And I felt free.
And I was reminded again that I don't write to please people who didn't like my books. I write for myself, and for people who have come to love Luna King and the way she writes her story. Maybe I should stop overthinking things. O ang maliitin ang sarili ko. A little confidence in my self won't hurt, right? Just a little will do.
Natutuyo na ang imagination ko. I've been reading broadsheets since day two of class, because we're assigned to write one news and sports article summary everyday. Since they are my major subjects, I'm determined to give my one hundred percent concentration in school this sem. I may say I don't like Journalism (since I only enrolled in this course because during my time, Creative Writing hasn't been established in our university yet), well, medyo, pero hindi naman ibig sabihin no'n ay ine-neglect ko na lang ang pag-aaral ko. Somehow, I enjoy writing articles, especially if they are features articles. The only part I don't like is researching, which is a no-no since a life of a journalist is composed of researching.
Napansin ko lang na whenever I write a news article, masyado akong nafo-focus sa fact, info, and interviews. Pakiramdam ko, lumiliit ang mundo ko. Unlik kapag nobela ang sinusulat ko, walang limitation. Though kailangan ding maging creative sa news writing para maging catchy ang pagde-deliver mo ng news.
Ahm, actually, gusto ko lang mag-rant na hati na ang oras ko ngayon. Hindi ko na magawang magsulat ng nobela buong gabi dahil kelangan magsulat ng articles. Ayun lang.
Hmm. I've always wanted to write fantasy stories, ung hindi masyadong naka-focus sa romance. More on friendship and characters giving up their normal lives for the rest of humanity. My head is mostly filled with action scenes, heroines wielding huge weapons, heroes producing fire/ice/wind from their palms, priestesses, phoenix, dragons, magical items, dark lords, loyal servants, rivals, princesses, pure bloods, at pahaba na ng pahaba ang listahan. Hindi ko sigurado kung tatanggap ba ang PHR ng ganitong konsepto, at kailangan ko rin munang ihanda ang sarili ko bago ako magsulat ng gano'n kabigat na plot. Sana someday, masulat ko rin ang mga ideyang ito na naglalaro sa isip ko.
Siguro sisimulan ko muna sa paggawa ng short stories mula sa ibang genre. Bukod sa romance, gustung-gusto ko rin ang story tungkol sa friendship. Hehe. Magamit nga uli ang Wattpad account ko.
PHR and romance will always be my first love, though.