Hey, First Love

I was supposed to be writing the remaining chapters of my novel. But for some reason, I ended up listening to the song There You'll Be (Julie Anne San Jose's version). And I just found myself crying.

Shit. I miss you, you know? For the past six years, you've been in my heart. Always. I don't know why I can't get over you. I mean, hello? We've only been together for a month? And we were an awkward couple then. You weren't able to talk to me normally because you were so concerned about what your friends would think of you. We don't even have beautiful memories like most lovers do. But why do I miss you? Why can't I get over you?

We were best friends. I know you well the way you know me. You didn't like to mingle with our female classmates, but you were always talking to me. You knew how I hated Math, so whenever it was Math class, you'd tell jokes to make me feel good. Remember the times we played thumb wrestling? You don't know how happy I was whenever you touched my hand. And the first time you texted me, shit, you made me so happy! But of all the memories we had together, those I treasured most were the times when you taught me how to make paper airplanes. I never learned. But hey, do you know I've been deceiving you all this time? I wasn't really listening to your instructions. I never planned to learn how to make paper planes. Because I didn't want you to stop teaching me. Because I didn't want to end those moments when you sat beside me and patiently taught me how to make paper planes. I miss those days so bad, so bad I'm crying right now.

Do you remember that Valentine's Day when you gave me a box of doughnut? I still have the box. I didn't have the heart to throw it away. It was that special. You were the reason why I learned to love doughnuts. Shit. I still remember that day, the memory is too vivid. That shy smile you gave me while you were holding out the triangular box, the teasing of our classmates and my shaking hands while reaching for it. I want to go back to that time!

And that heart-shaped pink paper. It was during our class report. The reporters instructed our class that if one answered correctly, he/she has to give the heart-shaped pink paper to the person he/she likes. I answered correctly and my friend gave you that paper. You also answered the question correctly, and despite the class telling you to give your heart-shaped paper to her, you still walked towards me and gave it to me. I still have that heart-shaped paper.

I may have taken you for granted. Back then, you were like a child. Do you remember the time when you told me you envy me because I can talk to other people casually? I forgot to tell you that I envy you, too. Because in my eyes, you're perfect. I also selfishly wished that you stay the same - aloof, quiet and childish. Because I was so afraid that one day, people will see the things I loved about you. And I want to keep you all for myself.

But I've hurt you. I regret it everyday. Then my fear came true. You changed, fast. I know it was a good change. You became confident, you gained more friends but you became so distant. Suddenly, you became so bright I can no longer come near you. You were no longer that little kid who would always talk to me, follow me and play childish games with me. Everyone loves you now.

I miss those days when we were just best friends. If I could turn back time, I would stop myself from falling in love with you. I would choose the friendship we had, instead of the short-lived relationship we had as lovers. I miss you, I really miss talking to you, playing thumb wrestling with you and simply sitting beside you while we make paper airplanes.

I hate seeing you with her. Because I remember the times when I was the person beside you. I hate seeing your smile in those photos with her. Because I know I'm no longer the reason behind it. I hate seeing you with her. Because I only end up wishing I was her. Because I'm still hurting. Because I still want you. Because I still love you.

Damn! You are my only hero! You are my boy version! I know this is stupid but until now, I still believe no one can surpass you in my heart. I made you so special that no one comes close to you. You were my everything then. So when you were gone, I was left with nothing but your memories. Memories I don't want to let go.

Can I still love you?

Hey, do you remember this conversation:

Me: Ano ba ko sa'yo?
You: Ikaw ang nagpapasaya sa'kin sa umaga.
Me: Eh, sa umaga lang?
You: Tapos na ba ko? Ikaw ang nagpapasaya sa'kin sa umaga pag gising ko, sa tanghali bago ako kumain, sa gabi bago ako matulog, hanggang sa paggising ko uli.

I really miss you.

-Chrissa Anne B. Palma