Suffocated

I can't breathe. Maybe I'm not really destined to meet people's (mostly strangers!) expectations. I really wanted to do what they tell me to, to change my beliefs, and to even forget who I am so they would somehow find me valuable.

I've been quietly following what they dictate me, because that way, the problem will be solved easier. But like what I told my friend, I'm not happy. I even jokingly said to her that I'm probably in the "rebellious" stage. LOL! Me, a rebel? My friends would probably laugh at me. I'm not saying I'm a nice person, but I've always been a goody-two shoes.

But now... well, I wanna break-free. I want to become the person I wanted to be, not what they wanted to see in me. I know the road is tough, but this is me. *plays Demi Lovato's Camp Rock song*

This is what FINALS do to students! Curse you, finals!

Stressful Month/Patama Entry

School has never been this demanding before. For a bum/lazy girl like me, it's hell. Konting kibot lang, nauubos na ang enerhiya ko. My forte is procrastinating but I can't afford to do that anymore. The write-ups we have to finish for our midterms just keep on piling up and I'm about to get drown. But the thing is, school isn't what's dragging me down.

There's an ugly part of me that just won't calm down. I'm easily upset, irritated and hurt. The worse part is, we're talking about the people who are close to me --- or so I thought. It seems that I'm the only one who really cares. C'mon, if you're really my friend, learn how to respect me, dude. I hate confrontations because heated arguments are not helpful. I'm pikon, and I know for a fact that you could easily ask for resbak and I will instantly turn into an ambitious villain. But seriously. I know you know that you did something wrong and something unfair to me. I don't need to tell you that because it's easy to deny it, and it's easy to make it look like I'm just a pathetic insecure b*tch that couldn't match up to you, of course.

I'll stop caring. Do what you want. I don't want to become someone I dislike. Someone like you.

If

I don't want to sound insensitive, but I really hate my father right now. He is the main reason why I'm afraid to get committed to someone. He didn't serve as a model for me in any way. I never would want to meet a guy like him. My "ideal man" is based on my uncles (mother side) and never on my own father.

My uncles are very responsible, reliable, and they're just good people. My father is probably the opposite and I am often ashamed to be his daughter.

Yeah, I know some people may say that, "Suwerte ka nga dahil may tatay ka. `Yong iba, wala." And this will probably be my answer: "Masuwerte lang `yong may mga tatay na responsable. Kung may tatay ka nga pero wala ring *halos* silbi sa pamilya niyo at ang nanay mo rin lang ang nagtataguyod sa inyo, believe me, you're better off without a father. I am so lucky that my mother could accomplish both roles to us."

Maybe a time will come that I will regret saying this. But this is how I feel right now. I have lost so many chances in my life because of my father. Alam kong kahit ano pang mangyari, siya pa rin ang tatay ko. But he was the reason why my dreams shattered before. It's hell.

 If only...

On Being A Big Disappointment

Looking at my grandma's photo makes me feel awful. When she was still here, she was proud of me even though there was nothing to be proud of. And now that she's gone, I feel ashamed that I haven't done anything to prove to her that I'm worth her love and respect.

And now as I reflect, I haven't done anything to make my family proud. I always act on impulse, and do whatever I want without thinking how the people around me would feel, thinking I'm right all the time. It's both shameful and a gesture of arrogance on my part. I don't think my mommy is happy with the "me" right now, and that what hurts.

*sigh*

I'm sorry to everyone I have disappointed. I will become a better person soon. For you, Mommy.

Last

Pulling yourself together, telling yourself "get up, get up!" countless times, picking up the pieces of your broken spirit one by one... you know you can do it. But it's scary because you're alone. Because you know no one else but yourself could help you. Because you know that even if you give up, no one would be there to pull you up. It's a battle between you and yourself. It's tiring. It's sad. It's lonely. But you have to get through this somehow. You must. You can't be miserable for the rest of your life. You can't give them the satisfaction of showing them you're hurt. This is just a moment of vulnerability. It will pass. It will. You can cry tonight. Everything will be okay tomorrow. Cry. Cry. Cry. -Scared Little Moon Princess-

Buti Naligo Ako Kahit Malamig

It’s really hard when you start hating the thing you loved most. This past month, I didn’t know what happened to me but I was so down, so depressed and yes, I also started to hate writing novels. It probably started during the last week of May. I feel like my spirit is broken for some reason. It’s as if my dream just shattered right before my eyes and all I did was look at it. I know something is eating me slowly inside. Something strong, something dark. I don’t have enough strength to fight it, so I ran away. MS Word, creating character profiles, organizing plot, daydreaming about romantic scenes, thinking of cheesy lines... I just started to hate all of them. I turned my back on them, and shifted all my attention to the real me. I embraced my student life so dearly. I enjoyed going school to the fullest --- even attending my afternoon class even though I knew classes would be suspended. Why? Because I wanted an excuse so I wouldn’t have to face my manuscript. I’m running away, making myself believe I don’t like writing novels anymore, that I hate it now. So when I lose it, I could comfort myself by saying “it’s okay, you don’t love it anymore.” But it hurts. Everytime I see how happy my co-writers are with their approved MS, upcoming books, and all other things I used to feel then, my heart aches. Irritating, right? I know it’s too early to feel this way. I haven’t even proven anything to other people as a writer. And yet, here I am, moping over something I can’t even explain. Shit happens. I don’t really know what exactly happened to me. I just found myself hating everything related to my “alter-ego.” But then again... something changed while I was taking a bath this afternoon. I don’t what made me do it suddenly, but I was pulling myself together, finally, after a month of making myself miserable. It was as if I regained my spirit back somehow by staring at the water. LOL. I found myself talking to myself. Something was ignited inside me, and I don’t even know what the heck triggered the positivism I somehow lost this past month. And then, there’s my editor. She said something that strengthened my resolve. I’ll get up. Stronger. Fiercer. And yeah, sexier. Joke. -LK

Feels Like Going Back To Where You're From

As Luna King, nag-hibernate ako ng sobrang tagal. Inatake ako ng pagka-insecure. Some people may get irritated, may some judge me as a person that gives up easily. But it happens. At one point in our life, darating naman talaga ang moment na magiging sobrang down ka kahit wala namang ginagawang masama sa'yo ang ibang tao. It's an inner battle. You versus yourself. Kung hindi mo pa `to naranasan, maswerte ka.

Paano mo ibabangon ang sarili mo kung mismong ikaw eh ang baba ng tingin mo sa sarili mo? Ilang beses ko nang narinig `yan. People, that's exactly my dilemma. Comforting words coming from my friends are appreciated. Pero hindi ang mga salita nila ang magbabangon sa'yo. Trabaho mo `yon. I'm experiencing that battle right now. I feel like I'm faced with my dark self. And she's stronger. Nauubos ang lakas ko. I'm fighting her, but this will take a little longer. Alam kong unti-unti, nakakabawi na ko. Pero hindi pa rin siya tumba, kaya hindi pa tapos ang laban.

Nagagalit ako sa sarili ko dahil naghahanap ako ng masisising ibang tao for the misery I am in at the moment. It's a nagging feeling, it's pulling me down, eating me whole.

Yesterday I started to use my Wattpad account again and I wrote a story. It's romance, yes, but it's tragedy, so I'm not violating my contract with PHR... er, right? Hehe. Anyway, kaya sinulat ko `yon ay dahil gusto kong ipaalala sa sarili ko kung bakit ako nagsulat noon. Before, wala akong pakialam sa pera na kikitain ko sa pagsusulat. I just wanted to write a story. Pero tumagal, aaminin ko, naging mukhang pera praktikal na ko. So I think, do'n nagsimula ang paghina ng apoy ng passion ko. Well, a writer needs money to survive. Pero maliit na kabayaran lang `yon kumpara sa saya na nararamdaman natin kapag nakakatapos tayo ng istorya.

At ang saya na `yon ang kulang sa mga nakaraang sinulat ko.

Pressure na ang naramdaman ko nung nakaraan. Pressure kasi dumadami na kaming mga new writers. Siyempre, kailangan galingan ko para hindi ako mawala sa listahan ng mga readers. Pressure kasi sa tuwing pinupuri ng editor ko ang isang na-approved kong nobela, alam kong tumataas din ang expectation niya sa sequel niyon.Pressure kasi nag-aasam ako ng mas matured na story, mas komplikadong conflict at mas malalim na kuwento. Hindi pa yata abot ng utak at karanasan ko dahil gaya ng sinabi ng mga nag-review sa libro ko, masyadong childish ang mga characters, na nagre-reflect sa pagkatao ko. Childish, wala pang alam sa hirap ng totoong buhay. But that's not true. Marami na kong napagdaang problema sa pamilya, lalo na at panganay ako. Araw-araw ko na iyong hinaharap sa buhay ko KAYA AKONG PAHIRAPAN MASYADO ANG MGA HEROINE KO. I WRITE TO ESCAPE REALITY. Gusto ko magaang ang buhay nila. Unlike mine. Pressure dahil gusto kong ipakita na kaya ko pang mag-improve.

Dahil sa mga iyon, nakalimutan ko kung bakit ako nagsusulat. I've become someone I am not and I started to hate what I used to love doing. Writing gave me too much stress because of this pressures. So I ended up hating it. Which was so wrong.

Kaya nagsulat ako. I felt free. Hindi ako kinakabahan na baka hindi pumasa sa panlasa ng editor. Hindi ko inisip kung malalim ba ang conflict. Wala rin akong pakialam kung masyadong corny at cliche ang mga eksena at mga linya. And I felt free.

And I was reminded again that I don't write to please people who didn't like my books. I write for myself, and for people who have come to love Luna King and the way she writes her story. Maybe I should stop overthinking things. O ang maliitin ang sarili ko. A little confidence in my self won't hurt, right? Just a little will do.

Kakayanin ko `to. Konti na lang.

-LK

`Feel Like Giving Up

Ayoko na. Pakiramdam ko, ako ang pinaka-worst newbie ng PHR. Pakiramdam ko, dinudungisan ko lang ang magandang pangalan ng PHR. Ayoko nang magsulat.

Occasional Depression Strikes Again

-Trying to please everyone is like loving someone who didn't ask you to love them, yet, you still did and even ended up giving too much. Bigay ka ng bigay, tanggap sila ng tanggap pero sa huli, hindi pa rin sila satisfied at ikaw naman, sinisisi mo ang sarili mo kung bakit hindi sila nakuntento sa binigay mo. Pero kapag nag-isip ka, malalaman mong wala ka namang kasalanan dahil kahit ano pa ang gawin mo, sa umpisa pa lang, may ekis na ang pangalan mo sa listahan nila.

*sigh*
I hate this part of me. I have the tendency to please everyone around me. I don't have the guts to stand up to anyone and I always end up playing Miss Goody-Two Shoes - always the nice girl. I'm not doing it for other people, though. I realized I'm doing it for myself and I realized I'm being a selfish bitch.

Bakit nga ba nagsisikap ang isang tao para i-please ang iba? Isa lang ang sagot na pumasok sa isip ko - I want them to acknowledge me. And that was when I realized I'm insecure. At sa insecurity na iyon, bumababa ang kumpiyansa ko sa sarili ko. Yes, it was an ugly part of me that I wanted to change badly.

I'm just an average girl. I really don't stand out. No'ng elementary nga ako, madalas ay nakakalimutan akong ilista kapag may activities. Para lang akong shadow. Basta, average lang talaga ako. Dinadaan ko lahat sa hardwork para makabawi. Average girl, average face, average family.

Pinalaki naman ako na hindi ako pine-pressure ni Mama to be on the top. Hindi ko alam kung nakabuti iyon o nakasama. Nakabuti kasi hindi ako naging trying hard sa school. Nakasama lang siguro kasi hindi ko alam kung magaling na ba ko o wala pa ring kuwenta ang mga ginagawa ko dahil wala naman akong "standard" na pagbabatayan. Hindi ako binubusog sa compliment ng Mama ko. In fact, straight to my face niyang sinabing hindi niya nagustuhan ang mga novels ko (Ung kay Caleb, at Prima lang daw ang maganda). Which was fine to me.

Pero dahil do'n, parang may maliit na apoy sa puso ko na nag-ignite to please my mother. Siyempre, naiinggit din naman ako kapag pinupuri niya `yong gawa ng ibang writer. But then again, hands down naman ako sa mga writers na `yon kaya umpisa pa lang, wala ng dapat ikainggit.

I really don't care much about what's happening around me. But like Prima Weignmann (Love, Headbutts, And Everything Nice) I want those people whom I like to like me as well. Gano'n kasi ako. Kapag na-attached ako sa isang tao, ayoko silang ma-disappoint. I don't want them to hate me nor to leave me. No matter how much I act indifferent, I'm still afraid to be abandoned. Again.

So, sa takot kong ayawan ako ng mga taong gusto ko, I always end up trying my best to please them. But it hurts. Kasi nga, wala akong kumpiyansa sa sarili ko. Minsan kasi, lutang ako. At sobrang natatakot din akong makagawa ng bagay na makakasakit sa kanila.
 
Hmm. Parang ang gulo ng post na `to.

-The Elyen Girl

Blackhole

-i don't know why i entitled this as 'Blackhole.'

lately, this negative and ugly emotion started to swallow me. and it was just so selfish of me to feel that way. i mean, i've been receiving a lot of blessings, so why do i ask for more? yup, i'm really being selfish here.

envy. there, i named it. -_-"

i should really stop looking at other people's achievements and start working to be on the same level as them instead. but it's really hard. whether we admit or not, there comes a time when you'll feel lowly of yourself. i feel so insecure at the moment.

the problem is, whenever i feel down, i lose the 'drive' to write. a huge part of me is urging me to just 'run away.'

selfish. envious. ugly.

-Luna King