Suffocated

I can't breathe. Maybe I'm not really destined to meet people's (mostly strangers!) expectations. I really wanted to do what they tell me to, to change my beliefs, and to even forget who I am so they would somehow find me valuable.

I've been quietly following what they dictate me, because that way, the problem will be solved easier. But like what I told my friend, I'm not happy. I even jokingly said to her that I'm probably in the "rebellious" stage. LOL! Me, a rebel? My friends would probably laugh at me. I'm not saying I'm a nice person, but I've always been a goody-two shoes.

But now... well, I wanna break-free. I want to become the person I wanted to be, not what they wanted to see in me. I know the road is tough, but this is me. *plays Demi Lovato's Camp Rock song*

This is what FINALS do to students! Curse you, finals!

And She Really Did It

Fvck.

After (over) a long-week negotiation, she still submitted it yesterday. Er, it was awkward. If our instructor happened to read our works, he would surely realize that she and I had almost the same article. Damn! Ni hindi man lang natinag sa pagpaparinig ko. -___-

Three persons were assigned to interview one varsity team and make an article about it. The three of us discussed our "topics" so we could avoid having the same "voice". But my huge mistake was... I sent them a copy of my article so they would know what not to write on their works. Ang nakaka-shock na balita, when I read hers (one of the remaining two in my team, of course) it was... *sigh* I asked her to change her "topic", "view", "voice" but she didn't listen. Oh, well, papel.

Respect, dude. Respect. Not because I'm a "saling-cat" in our class you can already do this to me.

By the way, I didn't rewrite mine because... well, I didn't want her to "win:" but it seems that I lost the battle instead.

E-books/PDF Files

My eyes can't bear reading e-books and PDF files for hours. It's not because I don't like them, but because I have poor eyesight and reading in front of my laptop, or through my phone makes my head ache. I remember after reading Beautiful Disaster (PDF) for about twelve hours (not sure), I got sick on the next day.

Oh, well, papel. What I'm trying to say is... I want to buy books! Hehe! A lot of books! My list is getting longer and longer but I don't have enough money to buy them yet. I'll follow my friend's advice and I will wait for the book fair na lang.

^___^

Stressful Month/Patama Entry

School has never been this demanding before. For a bum/lazy girl like me, it's hell. Konting kibot lang, nauubos na ang enerhiya ko. My forte is procrastinating but I can't afford to do that anymore. The write-ups we have to finish for our midterms just keep on piling up and I'm about to get drown. But the thing is, school isn't what's dragging me down.

There's an ugly part of me that just won't calm down. I'm easily upset, irritated and hurt. The worse part is, we're talking about the people who are close to me --- or so I thought. It seems that I'm the only one who really cares. C'mon, if you're really my friend, learn how to respect me, dude. I hate confrontations because heated arguments are not helpful. I'm pikon, and I know for a fact that you could easily ask for resbak and I will instantly turn into an ambitious villain. But seriously. I know you know that you did something wrong and something unfair to me. I don't need to tell you that because it's easy to deny it, and it's easy to make it look like I'm just a pathetic insecure b*tch that couldn't match up to you, of course.

I'll stop caring. Do what you want. I don't want to become someone I dislike. Someone like you.

Bad Omen

Last Friday afternoon, when I was taking a power nap, I dreamed about my teeth falling out. The image was clear and vivid that it scared the sh*t out of me. It seemed so real

When I woke up, I Googled what that dream means. And this is what I got:

"These falling teeth dreams may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxieties. Perhaps you feel that you are unprepared for the task at hand. However, you will find that your worries are unfounded in most cases. Sometimes what plays out in your mind is far worse than what is reality."

"Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth symbolize power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream may be an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the importance of what you have to say."

 
(c) dreammoods.com

--- After reading articles about my dream, I realized that they are right. The dream may be an indicator that I am going through a lot of stress recently. From my alter-ego to my personal life, everything just seems so wrong. I keep on messing up, and I feel lost. I am hurt (emotionally) by strangers, betrayed by people I treat as friends and... I just lost it.

So I decided to detach myself from the people and from the things that are probably giving me stress. I deactivated some of my social media accounts and I don't know when I will open them again. I need to free myself from the pressure, the pain and the mockery. I don't think I deserve all this bad treatments anymore. I'm not playing the "victim card" because I am not a victim of any sort. I just want to find myself again and to be happy. And I believe that I will find the peace I am looking for to the people who really care about me--- my family and friends. Real friends, I mean.

I even come up with my own version of "5 Ways To Be Worry-Free"

1. Mind your own business.
2. Stop caring for people who don't care for you.
3.  Let them do or say whatever they want, even if it hurts you. Keep calm and let them be. They know they did something unfair to you, but they will never admit it. You will just end up being the "bad guy."
4. Don't scroll down your FB page. Just check your notifications then log out.
5. Act bitchy sometimes and don't keep everyone in your life. People who really like you will put up with you, no matter how you act. Those people who couldn't even understand why you're not available to be their textmate probably won't stick with your during the hard times. Don't be afraid to let them go. If they genuinely like you as a person (and not just as your alter-ego) they will definitely stay. And those who will are worth keeping.

:)

Happiness. Peace. Silence.
Ignorance is bliss.

Failed

"Kailan niyo pa nakalimutan ang mga sarili niyo?"
-Gaara
(Naruto Shippuden, Tagalog dubbed in Abs-Cbn)

I'm not a Naruto fanatic, but I really love Gaara. That certain line of his really caught my attention. It was as if he was directly asking me the question above. And after months of being in the "lost state", I was finally able to name what I have become: a failure.

It didn't shock me though. Just... it just made me a little sad. I always knew I tend to run away when I'm scared, but recently, I decided to face my fears head-on. After months of worrying about it, I have finally started to make a move on fixing the problem in my Nihongo grade. It will take a lot of work, but what important is I get it done and over with as soon as possible.

And about my writing style... yeah, I started from scratch again. I'm reading tips on how to write a good novel. I won't elaborate more, but I am hoping for good results.

^____^

About Boys and Dating

I had an interesting day. Co-incidentally, I've read two books which are both about boys and dating woes. And that leaves me in confusion and deep thinking.

I always say that I'm more into "nice boys" type, because they are safe and because I know that being the introverted girl I am, good boys are much easier to deal with. BUT I cannot deny the fact that girls are really more attracted to "bad boys" type, whether we accept it or not. I'm one of those girls who complain about boys being all the same, that I want to look for a good guy but in the end, put that "good guy" in "friendzone" and let myself steal glances over a certain bad boy at school who won't even look my way. Yes, I'm such a hypocrite. So, I officially give up on looking for "good boys" and just accept the fact that I am more into "bad boys" simply because they are more good-looking, cooler and they're douchebags. And a bitch like me (I call myself this because I keep on saying I like good boys but when I encountered one recently, I immediately dumped him and put him in friendzone. What else to call me, right?) always end up falling for douchebags.

Is it because "bad boys" are more challenging? Is it about the chase? The honor (and pride) of being The Girl Who Changed Him? I think that's it. Well, isn't it great to be The Only Girl That Jerk cares about? I came up with the conclusion that bad boys are addicting simply because they are fun to be with.

But after reading this certain book about a "reformed player", I got a chance to enter the world of "bad boys" and the kind of treatment girls get from them. Honestly, even though I fell in love with the Bastard Hero, I absolutely hated the way he was with "easy-to-get girls" (the book described girls who play with bad boys as "easy-to-get"). Yes, that's it. Bad boys won't be bad boys if there aren't easy-to-get girls who'd play along with their silly games. But the worse part? These type of girls knew what they're getting yet, they are still willing to be their... I don't know, playmate? Because these "easy-to-get" girls are also just looking for fun. So I guess, that's how bad boys get away with it. They're not at fault because they set the rules, the "easy-to-get" girls accept it, and if they get hurt, they could only blame themselves. Hats off to you, bastard.

The lifestyle. From the books I've read, most bad boys could be found at bars, or any other "fun" places which include a huge crowd and loud music. DEFINITELY NOT THE PLACE FOR ME. You see, I'm a boring girl. I'd rather go to bookstores, eat at fast food chains, and sleep at home. My world is so small and I don't want it any other way. I'm bad at dealing people--- especially those who are in the high-society. And I'm also an insecure twenty year-old girl. Young, introvert, insecure--- way to go, me!

Because of my low self-confidence, I could relate to the heroine of the book. But she's different from me--- she's matured, beautiful, and successful. Yet, she's still full of fears and doubts. I understand her side--- she doesn't want to be The Girl The Bad Boy Cheats On and Leaves. Because bad boys are afraid of commitment and they don't stay loyal and faithful to one woman. The book said: a bad boy make girls cry, he dates two or three girls in a month and they will never know that and even if  they do, he would just say, "so what?"

Am I ready for that kind of relationship? Of course not. I'm not as stubborn and as strong-willed as the heroine. I would probably end up being The Girl Who Got Dumped By The Bad Boy Without Her Even Knowing It. I'm not yet ready for that kind of relationship--- whether with the Bad Boy or the Nice Guy. I'm still a girl who'll probably get eaten by wolves in the forest. I'm not happy with myself, so I would probably blame myself for being "incompetent" when a relationship ends badly.

Well, back to Bad Boys, they have this charm that is hard to resist--- when they fall in love, they fall in love. They fight for it, they change (not for her, but for THEM) and they... they simply love you with all their hearts. It's amazing how these "boys" turn into "men" when they found "the right one." And... *dreamy sigh* I can't find the right words to say but once a Bad Boy falls for You, you may doubt him at first, but soon you'll realize how lucky you are. You have probably saved a nation in your past life.

But... as for me, like I said above, I am not ready for this kind of commitment. If I want to find the right one, I should also work hard to be the "right girl" bad boys don't play with.

Bad Boys... Luxurious life... Professional world... I am not ready for any of them so I will just sit in front of my laptop and start creating characters that are much more realistic and loveable. Because the books I read made me realize that the characters (especially the heroes) in my novels are poorly developed, they are way too childish and they are just "boys." These books also give me a wider perspective on howl love and relationships work in real world and I suddenly realized what I lack in my books. I will work on these flaws.

And I will continue on my "research" about boys. They still confuse me! I don't get them at all!

If

I don't want to sound insensitive, but I really hate my father right now. He is the main reason why I'm afraid to get committed to someone. He didn't serve as a model for me in any way. I never would want to meet a guy like him. My "ideal man" is based on my uncles (mother side) and never on my own father.

My uncles are very responsible, reliable, and they're just good people. My father is probably the opposite and I am often ashamed to be his daughter.

Yeah, I know some people may say that, "Suwerte ka nga dahil may tatay ka. `Yong iba, wala." And this will probably be my answer: "Masuwerte lang `yong may mga tatay na responsable. Kung may tatay ka nga pero wala ring *halos* silbi sa pamilya niyo at ang nanay mo rin lang ang nagtataguyod sa inyo, believe me, you're better off without a father. I am so lucky that my mother could accomplish both roles to us."

Maybe a time will come that I will regret saying this. But this is how I feel right now. I have lost so many chances in my life because of my father. Alam kong kahit ano pang mangyari, siya pa rin ang tatay ko. But he was the reason why my dreams shattered before. It's hell.

 If only...

On Being A Big Disappointment

Looking at my grandma's photo makes me feel awful. When she was still here, she was proud of me even though there was nothing to be proud of. And now that she's gone, I feel ashamed that I haven't done anything to prove to her that I'm worth her love and respect.

And now as I reflect, I haven't done anything to make my family proud. I always act on impulse, and do whatever I want without thinking how the people around me would feel, thinking I'm right all the time. It's both shameful and a gesture of arrogance on my part. I don't think my mommy is happy with the "me" right now, and that what hurts.

*sigh*

I'm sorry to everyone I have disappointed. I will become a better person soon. For you, Mommy.

Stuff Food In Your Mouth So You Don't Have To Speak

*sigh*
I guess it's really hard for me to say "no" to other people. I feel guilty whenever I try to turn them down. My friends say it's not good for me and I know it really isn't. But I hate asking other people for help because I'm afraid of rejection. Ah, that must be it. I hate rejections so I don't have the heart to reject others.

One more thing, my mama and I had a fight yesterday. Since I was a child, I was taught never to talk back to older people. I believe I was right, and I really wanted to explain my side, but that would mean talking back in the eye of the elders. I was really mad at my mother's irrational decision, and I really wanted to speak out. But whenever I am angry, I prefer to keep my mouth shut and think hard. They say "don't make decisions based on your emotions", I always have that in my mind. I rethink and rethink the possible outcomes once I start voicing out my opinions, especially if I know it could hurt other people. Because of this mind set, I always lose in arguments. Scratch that. Argument doesn't even start because I don't talk when I'm angry or hurt.

*sigh*
In the end, I always end up agreeing to other people's requests even though it's inconvenient for me. And I always end up smiling and even saying sorry to people I had a conflict with. But... I don't regret it. I don't want arguments. I just want everyone to be friendly with each other. Another wishful thinking of mine.

Anyway, I always end up in a fast food chain whenever I am in a bad mood. I'd rather stuff food in my mouth than voice out opinions that may start a misunderstanding.

*sigh*
I need to have a backbone.

Kasalanan Mo

When I decide to do something, I do it alone. Ayokong ipilit sa isang tao na samahan ako o gawin ang mga bagay na gusto ko kasama siya. So when things don't turn out well, hindi ako masisisi ng kahit sino na "dapat kasi hindi mo na ko dinamay!" So, I prefer doing things on my own. At kahit pa may tumulong sa'kin, say, group work o ano, I still strive to do my part. Kahit pa akuin ko ang lahat ng responsibilidad. So even if we fail, wala akong ibang sisisihin kundi ang sarili ko. Na ako ang may gawa nito sa sarili ko. That's my mindset. Walang kinalaman ang ibang tao sa nangyayari sa'kin. I do my best to remain humble. Humble. Humble. Humility. Humility. Humility. :)

Galit Ako!

"The world doesn't revolve around you" my face. I don't give a damn if you call me selfish but don't make me f*cking wait. There are two things I hated most: being hurt physically and making me wait.

I'm short-tempered and I get rude when I'm annoyed. I glare at everyone, yes, everyone. I don't even try to open my mouth when I'm mad because I know I'll only curse. So f*cking annoying. I hate waiting in line, I hate waiting for feedbacks, I hate waiting for the internet connection to be fixed, I hate everything that has me standing in a corner while waiting for someone for God knows how long.

F*ck. I hate this day.

Damned Moments 3

I can't calm down. Damn. I know my whole day will be ruined now. Maybe I'll fail in our midterm exam? Or maybe I'll get called in recitation but since I haven't touched my notes since last week, I'll be humiliated. I'm not expecting for anything good now.

It's very irritating, what a great way to start the week.

I never been this infuriated since I don't know how long. Maybe I've been too carefree I forgot that to be cool, things must run smoothly. I'm reflecting now.

AND OH, MAMA. PLEASE STOP REMINDING ME ABOUT MY STUPID MISTAKE. SERIOUSLY, IT'S NOT HELPING AT ALL!

Gah! How can I calm down when people won't stop talking about my mistake? Move on, people! I'm trying to keep my sanity contact here! It's not easy. I guess this anger is enough to last me... a whole sem of stressful activities!


ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

-Damned Me 3

Damned Moments 2

My rage hasn't been cooled down yet. I still feel so mad, so regretful it starting to get painful. I wanted to cry. I needed to remind myself that it was just a small thing. But the fact that it happened again to me is painful. I feel like I'm still the same, stupid girl from two years ago. And I hated myself that time.

I wanted to act cool, to handle things indifferently. I wanted to show the world nothing could affect me anymore. I thought I was stronger, I though I could act nonchalant now. But I care. I still do. I still get so frustrated when things get out of hand. I still feel hurt when I shouldn't care for those people. I said I don't mind, I said they don't matter. But they do, and I feel betrayed, sad and hurt. And I'm talking about two separate issues now.

Maybe I'm overwhelmed that's why I'm feeling this way. They piled up until my patience could no longer keep them together.

I told myself I won't care as much as I cared before. I'm trying my best not to get attached to them (new faces in my new world) because I hate the feeling of depending on people I know who don't and can't care as much as I care for them. And when your feelings don't get reciprocate, when you don't get as much as you give, it's painful. I said it's fine if I love or care more, but deep down my heart, I know it's not true. I expect equal amount of care and love. Argh, I don't know what I'm talking about anymore!

I hate this feeling of vulnerability. I hate myself. I hate everything at the moment.

-Damned Me 2

Damned Moments

This is probably one of those damned moments when you did something so stupid you want to blame other people but the annoying thing is, you can blame no one but your stupid self. I'm so frustrated I want to scream, to be mad all day. I don't give a damn about anything at the moment. Friends, midterms, classes, the hell with them! I just want to be left one and be eaten by this nagging feeling I know I brought upon myself. I hate this. I really hate regretting something that I should have done, but because I didn't try hard enough, here I am. Dwelling in this fucking feeling of being just... just... plain stupid.

I know I'm going to regret writing this post later. I just hope my mood gets better. Or else... ah, fuck. I want this day to end. I just hope I don't mess up and verge my frustrations towards other people, much more my friends.

-Damn Me

Naiiyak ako T^T

*hugot ng malalim na hininga*

Nagagalit ako sa sarili ko ngayon. I'm disappointed in myself, too. May usapan kami ng mga kaibigan kong magkikita kanina, pero anong ginawa ko? Nakatulog ako all day! Nang magising ako nang alas-nuebe ng gabi, saka ko lang nabasa ang mga text nila at post sa group namin sa FB.

And because I just woke up, agad uminit ang ulo ko sa mga post nila. Bigla rin kasi akong na-guilty at na-pressure. They weren't directly putting the blame on me as to why our barkada date was cancelled, pero nararamdaman kong nadismaya sila sa'kin. And they even used exclamation points! Imagine the pressure I've felt. Parang hindi ako makahinga. I was mad at them, too. So angrily, I typed the words "Alam niyo namang hindi ako naglo-load. Kung gusto niyong magkita-kita, eh di sana tumuloy na kayo kanina. Bakit kailangan pa ko?" But I changed my mind. I would have probably hurt them if I sent that rude message. So in the end, I just went back to sleep.

I can't believe it! I just went back to sleep without even offering an apology! But I was too scared I didn't know what to say to them. It wasn't that easy to apologize and I was mad that time so I had chosen not say anything na lang, which I know was wrong. Gusto kong bumawi sa kanila, but I can't promise them AGAIN na makikipagkita ako sa kanila, because seriously, pressured din ako sa sinusulat ko.

For four days, I did nothing but read manga and watch anime. Last night ko lang na-realize that I have only so little time left before the second semester starts, and I still need to finish three manuscripts that my editor has been waiting for. Hiyang-hiya na ko sa kanya because when I went to the office last time, ang bungad niya sa'kin ay "Wala na bang kasunod?" Dang, one month akong hindi nagpasa ng sequel sa kanya! Nakakahiya! Kaya ngayon, hinahadali ko ang sarili ko.

It was all my fault, I know. I really feel pressured. I'm depressed. I'm sad. So sad I'm crying right now. I hope everything would be alright soon.

I need to apologize. God, give me courage.

-Can I really call myself a friend?

A Romance Writer, Yet Cynical When It Comes To Happy Endings

-I really don't believe in fairy tales and happy endings. I'd rather believe that phoenix and dragons exist. And because I'm cynical when it comes to "lifetime" relationships, I write about them, since I want to make myself believe that true love really do exist.

My parents fight a lot, yell and throw hurtful words at each other and... they really don't love each other. They aren't an ideal couple, like those couples I write in my novels. I really hate it whenever they fight. I would cover my ears, and try so fucking hard to think about the scenes of my manuscripts. That's my escape to reality.

That's probably the reason why I write. I'm afraid to end up with a man like my father.

-The Cynical Daughter

Ang Ikalawang Yugto (Ako, AKo, AKo Nga!)

I DREAMED TO BE A WRITER.
  ..... I'M A PUBLISHED WRITER NOW.
   ..... PERO MARAMI PA KONG KAKAINING KALDERETA.

-November 3, 2011. pagkatapos ng dalawang returned novels, sa wakas ay may ms na ko na na-approve sa PHR. masayang-masaya pa ko no'n at walang ni katiting na clue sa mga hirap at pagsubok pala na susubok sa tatag ng loob ko sa propesyong ito.
-akala ko no'n, magaling na ko. kaya nagpasa ako ng dalawang ms. ayun, lagapak. parehong returned ang resulta. (napapala ng kayabangan). nagmuni-muni muna ako at inaral ko kung bakit pumasa `yong isa samantalang lagapak `yong dalawa.
-January 2012, dahil na-inspire ako sa rooftop at firecrackers. isang plot at mga eksena ang naglaro sa isip ko. sinulat ko agad un. natapos ko siya in one week at agad na pinasa. pumasa siya sa Dream Love.
-katapusan ng Enero, nakatanggap ako ng text message mula sa editor ko sa first novel ko under PHR. pinapagawan ng sequel ung nobela ko. PRESSURE, dude. sobrang pressured ako. saka ko na ikukuwento kung bakit. bago ko siya gawin, dalawang ms muna ang niyari ko sa buwang ito.
-March 2012. hindi ko in-e-expect na magkasunod na ma-approve ang dalawang ms ko. sa sobrang inspired ko, tatlong novels ang natapos ko sa buwang ito. tag-i-isang linggo ko sila sinulat. ah, nasulat ko rin pala sa buwang iyon `yong sequel na pinapagawa sa'kin. bale, apat silang niyari ko.

-heto na. na-release na ang first novel ko last April 10, 2012. ang FROM SATURN WITH LOVE (under PHR). super saya ko ng panahong ito.
-pero ilang araw lang, inatake ako ng insecurity. may nabasa kasi akong magandang novel. inferiority complex, yes. parang feeling ko, wala akong kuwenta. hindi maganda `yong mga gawa ko kompara sa kanila. ang hirap at ang sakit sa kalooban na malamang yong bagay na hirap na hirap kang gawin, madaling nakukuha ng ibang tao. naisip ko, siguro sila, pinanganak talaga para sa pagsusulat. hindi tulad ko. pakiramdam ko, pinagpipilitan ko lang ang sarili ko sa larangang ito. alam mo `yong lahat sila magaling kaya anng liit-liit ng tingin mo sa sarili mo? ganun ung feeling ko.
-isang buong araw ako umiyak at hindi nakapagsulat sa sobrang baba ng tingin ko sa kakayahan ko. e totoo naman kasing hindi pa ko magaling.

-dumating ang nagpabalik sa confidence ko. ung tatlo sa pinasa ko last March, na-approve nitong April 2012. dalawa sa PHR, isa sa DL. then, ung dalawang ms na pinasa ko no'ng Abril, pumasa rin nitong May lang. kaya lang, `yong tatlong sinulat ko this May, revised ang resulta. na-release din nitong May 15, 2012 `yong pangalawa kong nobela.

-anyway, hindi ko sinulat ang lahat ng ito para ipagmayabang kung ilan na ang approved ko. what i'm trying to say is, many people might think that i already fulfilled my dream. pero sa tingin ko, malayo pa ko. hindi ko pa matatawag na writer ang sarili ko dahil wala pa kong napapatunayan. baguhan pa lang ako sa mundong pinasok ko.
-madalas akong umiyak. iniiyakan ko ang mga manuscript na sinusulat ko dahil sa sobrang hirap. hindi siya madali. hindi siya puro pasarap. dugo, pawis at braincells ang kapalit ng bawat letrang tinitipa ko. dumarating pa rin ako sa puntong naiinggit ako sa narating na ng mga writers na kilala ko. naiinggit ako sa mga nagawa nila. sa tagumpay nila. no'ng una, nilalamon ako ng inggit na `yon. ginusto kong sumuko. dumating ako sa puntong hindi ako nagsulat at nag-self-pity lang ako.
-pero wala akong napala. hinanap ko ang sarili ko. binasa ko lahat ng approved ms ko. binalikan ko `yong naramdaman ko nang ma-approve ang mga iyon. kung ga'no ako kasaya no'n. inalala ko kung bakit ako nagsusulat. tapos, sabi ko sa sarili ko: "ah, oo. pangarap ko nga pala ito."

-ngayon, nagsusulat pa rin ako. at nadagdagan ang rason ko sa pagsusulat sa bawat pahayag ng pagsuporta ng mga taong nakabasa sa dalawang nobela ko na na-release na. gusto ko silang mapasaya. i write to make them happy.
-inilalagay ko ang puso ko sa bawat letra at bawat salitang nasa nobela ko. minamahal ko ang mga tauhan ko. umiiyak ako kapag umiiyak sila. natatawa ako sa mga kakornihan nila. kinikilig sa mga eksena nila. at ang mga pakiramdam na iyon ang gusto kong maramdaman din ng mga mambabasa ko.

-marami pa kong kakaining kaldereta. hindi pa ko magaling. marami pa kong dapat i-improve. nakakaiyak pero para sa sarili ko, para sa mga taong sumusuporta sa'kin at para sa mga taong gusto kong pasayahin sa pamamagitan ng mga nobela ko, sisikapin kong maging mas mahusay pa.

-hindi natatapos sa pagka-approve ng isang manuscript ang pagsubok sa isang manunulat. simula pa lamang iyon. nariyan ang feedback ng tao, ang challenge na mas mapaghusay mo pa ang pagsusulat mo at ang insecurity. hindi nawawala iyon. mahirap oo. pero dahil masaya ako rito, i won't give up.

maraming salamat at sana, may na-inspire sa mga sinabi ko. :)

bow.

-Luna King

Me, Myself And My I (Ako, Ako, Ako Nga!)

-i'm going to talk about myself. oo, mayabang ang post na `to dahil puro tungkol sa'kin ang isusulat ko. introduction, e. patawad sa mga maiinis. haha. :)

I DREAMED TO BE A WRITER.
-alam ko kung kailan ko pinagarap maging writer. grade 5 ako no'n, 9 years old. actually, ang gusto ko sana ay pagbutihin ang pagguhit ko. introvert ako, may sariling mundo. i don't like social gatherings, especially family reunions. mas gusto kong mag-drawing sa isang sulok.

-isang araw, nanonood ako ng telenobela. "Anakarenina" yata ang title no'n. hindi ko alam kung anong particular scene pero nainis ako sa eksena. kaya sabi ko sa sarili ko, "kung ayoko ng napapanood ko, bakit hindi ako gumawa ng sarili kong ending?" at do'n na nga nagsimula ang lahat.
-tinago ko ang bondpapers, and drawing materials ko. bumili ako ng notebook at papel. umupo sa ilalim ng malaking puno sa bakuran namin. may mahabang bench do'n, ginawa kong mesa. hindi ko matandaan kung anong sinulat ko pero sigurado, hindi maganda un. haha.
-simula ng araw na `yon, parati na kong nagsusulat. isinantabi ko muna ang pagguhit. `kapal nga ng mukha ko dahil pinabasa ko `yong mga kuwento ko sa mga kaklase ko. siyempre, lumaki agad ulo ko. natatandaan ko pa title ng una kong nobela, "Rainbow." `eto ang names ng mga bida: Cristell Aeith Tan and Jasper Menthis. hindi ko sila makakalimutan dahil mahal na mahal ko ang dalawang `yan. ke binobola o inuuto lang ako ng mga kaklase ko no'ng panahong iyon, nakatulong ng malaki sa'kin ang mga encouraging words nila. ipinagpatuloy ko ang pagsusulat hanggang mag-grade six ako.
-pero ang Mama ko, tutol. ano raw mapapala ko sa pagsusulat? gastos lang daw dahil bili ako ng bili ng notebook at ballpen. so i stopped.

-second year high school yata ako no'ng magsimula uli akong magsulat. gumigising ako ng sobrang aga para pumunta sa bookstore sa bayan at bumili ng notebooks at mga ballpen. `taz, uuwi ako at magkukunwaring kagigising lang. pinagpatuloy ko ang palihim na pagsusulat. ang best friend ko lang ang pinababasa ko no'n. laitera `yon kaya medyo masakit ang mga komento. pero mas gusto ko nga `yon gano'n dahil at least, alam kong hindi niya ko inuuto.
-pero naging hobby na lang ang pagsusulat. ewan. in love ako ng mga panahong ito kaya umikot ang mundo ko sa best friend-cum-first love ko no'n. in short, sinuko ko ang pagsusulat at nakontento na lang ako sa pagbabasa ng mga pocketbooks. adik ako kay Sonia Francesca. mga nobela lang niya ang binabasa ko. naiinggit ako, oo. pero tinamad ako sa pagsusulat.

-college na ko nang muling bumalik ang interes ko sa pagsusulat ng nobela. e pa'no ba naman, nasunog ang utak ko sa pagsusulat ng balita. bukod sa journalism na ang course ko, kasali pa ko sa school publication namin. at sa tuwing nagsusulat ako ng balita, `yong isip ko, lumilipad sa mga eksena ng isang love story sa isip ko. doon ko napagtanto na iyon talaga ang passion ko. ayoko nang magpanggap na journalist.
-summer before ako mag-second year college, sinubukan kong magpasa ng nobela sa Precious Hearts Romances. waley. returned. first time ko makatanggap ng masasakit na salita, pero alam kong mga kritisismo lamang iyon. pero kaya lang, first time kong hindi nakuha ang gusto ko kaya frustrated ako. kaya ang naging defense mechanism ko para kahit pa'no masalba ang nadurog kong self-confidence, huminto uli ako sa pagsusulat. kunwari, hindi ko talaga gusto `yon kahit ang totoo, gustung-gusto ko pa rin `yon.
-fast forward na ko. August 2011, nakatanggap ako ng magandang balita. hindi man pumasa sa Precious Hearts Romances ang unang nobelang pinasa ko matapos ng huli kong rejection, pumasa naman iyon sa bagong book imprint nila na Dream Love.

YES!
-to be continued. :3

Huh? Blog?

-honestly, i'm not sure if having a blog fits me. i can't even customize the page design. yup. this whole thing made my head hurt. -_-"

just more than an hour ago, i celebrated my 19th birthday (heypibertdey to me!).
so as a birthday gift to myself, i decided to create a blog.

but first, i really need to customize the page design. i'll surely write once i'm done with it.

nothing much to say here. not cool. i know, okay? i know. :)