Naiiyak ako T^T

*hugot ng malalim na hininga*

Nagagalit ako sa sarili ko ngayon. I'm disappointed in myself, too. May usapan kami ng mga kaibigan kong magkikita kanina, pero anong ginawa ko? Nakatulog ako all day! Nang magising ako nang alas-nuebe ng gabi, saka ko lang nabasa ang mga text nila at post sa group namin sa FB.

And because I just woke up, agad uminit ang ulo ko sa mga post nila. Bigla rin kasi akong na-guilty at na-pressure. They weren't directly putting the blame on me as to why our barkada date was cancelled, pero nararamdaman kong nadismaya sila sa'kin. And they even used exclamation points! Imagine the pressure I've felt. Parang hindi ako makahinga. I was mad at them, too. So angrily, I typed the words "Alam niyo namang hindi ako naglo-load. Kung gusto niyong magkita-kita, eh di sana tumuloy na kayo kanina. Bakit kailangan pa ko?" But I changed my mind. I would have probably hurt them if I sent that rude message. So in the end, I just went back to sleep.

I can't believe it! I just went back to sleep without even offering an apology! But I was too scared I didn't know what to say to them. It wasn't that easy to apologize and I was mad that time so I had chosen not say anything na lang, which I know was wrong. Gusto kong bumawi sa kanila, but I can't promise them AGAIN na makikipagkita ako sa kanila, because seriously, pressured din ako sa sinusulat ko.

For four days, I did nothing but read manga and watch anime. Last night ko lang na-realize that I have only so little time left before the second semester starts, and I still need to finish three manuscripts that my editor has been waiting for. Hiyang-hiya na ko sa kanya because when I went to the office last time, ang bungad niya sa'kin ay "Wala na bang kasunod?" Dang, one month akong hindi nagpasa ng sequel sa kanya! Nakakahiya! Kaya ngayon, hinahadali ko ang sarili ko.

It was all my fault, I know. I really feel pressured. I'm depressed. I'm sad. So sad I'm crying right now. I hope everything would be alright soon.

I need to apologize. God, give me courage.

-Can I really call myself a friend?