Melancholy Days... Minutes... Er, Occasional Depression? Haha!

This post is too honest. Welcome to the darker side of me. Bwa-ha-ha-ha! (Seriously, I've written my negative thoughts here)

I didn't think about anything that may happen next the moment I started to write a novel seriously.
The 'challenge' doesn't end in receiving an email that said "Your manuscript has been approved...". That's a realization that shook up my whole system.


Honestly, I always knew I'd be a writer someday. Not exactly a Tagalog romance novelist, but since I've read Ms. SoFra's novels, my heart beat fast and the next thing I knew, I'm in love with her books. And that was how my dream to be a writer started.

I was naive, childish, and full of hopes that one day, my books would be published. Iyon lang talaga ang nasa isip ko. Iyon lang ang mind-set ko.

But the moment my first manuscript was approved, things began to change drastically. Rather, something inside me have changed. Alam ko, ramdam ko, iba na talaga. Pero hindi ko pa ma-pinpoint kung ano `yon.

Months later, my first book was published. I was damn happy and excited. Kulang na lang, kaladkarin ko ang mama ko sa Precious Pages. No'n na rin ako na-engganyong magbasa ng pocketbook ng ibang writer. Aminado naman ako na mas magaling silang lahat kaysa sa'kin. Pero minsan talaga, nakaka-depress kasi feeling ko, compared to their works, ung akin, er, readable lang? Haha! Sabi nila, don't compare daw. So, tumigil na ko sa pag-iisip. Ang focus ko na lang, ung sarili ko at ung mga sinusulat ko.

But I would be a hypocrite kapag sinabi kong hindi ako naiinggit sa achievements ng ibang writers. And it was damn hard to erase that negative feeling. Ayoko rin naman no'n, eh. Mahirap. Nakakababa ng confidence. Sobra. I'm always doing my best to improve my writing skills. Always. Kapag down na down ako, iiyak ako at magmumukmok. Hindi talaga ako magsusulat. Then, one day, my mother said to me:

"Bakit umaarte ka? Magaling ka na ba?"

My Mama's words struck me to the core. Grabe, nagising ang diwa ko no'n. I realized na nawala ako sa align. Oo nga. Hindi pa ko magaling, nag-e-emote na ko. So, kapag nade-depress ako, I always tell myself, "Habang umiiyak ka at nag-iinarte d'yan, habang tinatamad kang magsulat dahil sa kalungkutan at insecurity na `yan, hayun ang co-writers mo, doing their best to improve more." Isang buwan akong hindi nagsulat dahil sa pag-e-emote ko, and I realized kung gaano karaming days ang sinayang ko.

Simula no'n, pinilit kong i-focus lang ang tingin ko sa mga gawa ko. There's still a room for me to improve. Hindi pa ko magaling ngayon, pero... er, siguro gagaling din ako someday. Haha! Abangan na nga lang kung kailan. Haha!

Then, readers started to send me messages. I felt like I was in cloud nine because of the encouraging words I've received. Pero kasabay no'n ay naramdaman ko rin ang pressure. I also realized that I don't write for myself, that I just don't write to fulfill my dream. I write to make the readers happy. Kinatakutan ko na yata ang readers simula no'n. Haha!

Alam kong hindi ako kagalingan sa pagsusulat. Light lang ang sinusulat ko, sinusubukan kong magpatawa, pero alam ko corny. Hehe. Kaya kapag may revision ako, bumabagsak ang confidence ko. Ahm... well, ung feeling na pasang-awa lang? Which I know isn't true. Hindi naman papasa ang isang nobela kung hindi iyon nagustuhan ng editor or ng readers, `di ba? It's just that, in the end, ung mga bibili at magbabasa pa rin ng book mo ang judge. You wouldn't want to disappoint them and think that they've only wasted money on buying your book, would you? I know you can't please everyone, pero hindi mo rin naman mapipigilang asamin na magustuhan ng lahat ng babasa ng books mo ang sinulat mo, right?

Ah! Syet! Syet! Syet! I feel sad na naman, because the thing I currently want at the moment, someone has it. Napaisip na naman ako. Why do other people get it easily, while I can't? When it's me, I still have to cry blood before I get a hold of it? Arghhhh! You who read this post might think lowly of me, you might even hate me, but forgive me for showing you my weakness. I hate this part of me, too. I just felt the need to write this down, and to be honest, I actually felt lighter.

Hoho. Hindi talaga bagay sa'kin ang emotera. Anyway, namana ko naman ang pagiging positive ng Mama ko. So, alam ko, ngayon lang `to. I'll get over this melancholy feeling soon. And instead of crying and whining, I'll do my best to get what I want. The thing I want most at the moment? Secret muna. Haha.

Anyway, I'm not jealous of my co-writers... anymore. Tapos na ko sa feeling na un, `no. Haha. In fact, I'm a fan of them. Well, before I became a writer, I was a reader. And I will always be a reader. :)

-Luna King/ Chrissa Anne Palma