Unexpected, Unsure, Unprepared

No, I'm not pregnant.

Er, these past two months, I'm out of "sync". I lost my drive in writing, my mind stopped producing "fresh" ideas. And the result? Two major revisions. Dang, I still don't have the drive to revise. Anyway, I'm lucky one of my manuscripts was approved.

During my "lost state" as a writer, I've done something really, really, crazy. Up until now, I can't believe I had the guts to shamelessly promote my own pen name and to (again) shamelessly talk to the editors about it.

I wanted it. Badly. It has always been my goal.

Yet, I've been pessimistic about it since I'm in a "hibernate mode". There was even a time when I thought of giving up on it when it haven't even started. I felt like it was just a "spur-of-the-moment thing." Something created out of my mood swing.

But - lo and behold - I've unexpectedly reached the first step towards my goal. Unexpectedly. Unsure. Unprepared. I felt like a soldier thrown in a war without weapons. Up until now, my mind is on a spin, and I'm still waiting for the fucking "drive" to come back. It's CRAWLING back to me, very SLOWLY. And it won't do. I have lots of unfinished MS, revisions and of course, Riley's story.

*hingang malalim* Alam kong simula pa lang ito. Napakalayo ko pa sa goal ko. Alam ko ring marami pa kong iiiyak, itatawa, iiiyak, matutunan at iiiyak. Alam ko `yon, pero hindi ko alam kung handa na ba ko. Kakayanin ko. Pero alam kong ilang balde ng luha ang magiging kapalit ng pagiging ambisosya ko. But I will still take on the challenge. Ginusto ko `to kaya magdusa ako. Sa huli naman, alam kong magiging sulit ang lahat ng iyak ko. Dasal ang sandata ko ngayon.

-Luna King